Happy Camper

Post by C.M.

Hello there buddy, I hear you’re off to Body and Soul this weekend? Chances are you’ll be watching Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds encouraging Lazarus to dig himself and my pretend bestie Solange losing her boyfriend again. You’ll be feeling the collective love and getting into the festivally spirit of things. It’s going to be terrific; happy times with good music and friends and fun. But now it’s time to break some bad news –  I shan’t be joining you. I’ve had my fill of festivals.*


Last time I went to one I didn’t even camp, it was just for a day. A day I spent in constant, desperate need for the port-a-loo, jostling between that particular que of dread and the other one that led to the stalls of over-priced, watered-down sponsored alcoholic beverages.

The time before that was another anxiety filled endeavor, in which I spent most of the weekend searching for my group, forlornly attempting to enjoy the bands I went specifically to see whilst surrounded by jolly hoards of other-peoples-friends poking me in the eye and stamping on my feet as they jumped around. Festivals aren’t designed for those under 5’5″. No siree.

I’m trapped under their feet and they don’t even care

The one and only time I camped it poured solidly for the entire weekend. I ended up sharing a tent with a couple (AVOID AT ALL COSTS!), and slept in my jeans and wellies. There was comfort in the shared misery of being covered in mud and the gung-ho spirit employed by all, and hindsight helps me remember the event fondly, but that doesn’t mean I’ll ever put myself through that shit again.

So, now let me share some my wisdom – and some good news – just because you’re going to Body and Soul doesn’t mean you have to dress like a fairy. Sure, put on some body glitter and a set of wings if you like, wear your handlebar moustache with pride if you so wish, but above all else remember that comfort is key. Which is why I have provided a necklace shaped like a key in your outfit guide below:


You might be going for three days, but let’s face it you’re only going to need two ensembles. Obviously you’ll be basing your choices around your nice weather-proof jacket, because if it doesn’t rain this weekend I’ll eat someone’s flower-garland. Little dresses are a good idea because you can twirl around prettily in them, (NOT a maxi, that thing will be stepped on, sat on and dragged along all manner of excrement), but pack a pair or two of leggings for the chilly evenings. They, and a spare couple of vest tops will roll up really tight, and if you have another long sleeved top plus a shirt or cardi you’ll be set. Also include a pair of cheap sandals just in case, but your main footwear should be some boots. They needn’t be wellies! A sturdy pair are a good investment anyway, for future festivals and… hill walks I suppose. Bring sunglasses of course, and a hat in case you lose your can of dry-shampoo.  A back-pack is the way to go (with your compact packing you’ll have loads of room for your two flagons of Devil’s Bit!) and a small cross-body bag will come in handy for holding your phone, purse and other essentials.

Here’s a handy list of other things you should consider:

Scissors, nail file, loo roll, hand/cleansing wipes, plasters, spare knicks and socks, roll up rain coat, another cheap pair of sandals, emergency vest top, Batiste, hair ties and clips, spare cheap sunglasses, ear plugs, emergency nagin of vodka, water, basic make-up, big huge scarf.

Now am I not your best festi-pal? Have a lovely time, say “where’s the fire?!” to Solange for me, she’ll know what you mean. Enjoy!

*T.M. will be there though, give her a friendly wave if you see her!

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